


Dilemma

by Estrea



Category: Morning Musume.
Genre: 10th gen being dorks, F/F, Growing up is hard work, identity crisis, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 11:50:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1647626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estrea/pseuds/Estrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kudo Haruka has a problem. Asking for advice would be great except when someone decides to have fun at your expense. Except she also gave you great advice. What's a girl to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dilemma

"Harunan, do you have a moment?"

The older girl looked up from her phone at the youngest in their group, who was scratching at her head and scuffing one foot awkwardly against the ground.

"Of course, what's the problem?" The 19 year old hurriedly finished off her text and sent it off, before turning it face down and putting it on her lap, folding her hands primly over it. Haruka shrugged and flopped down on a chair next to Haruna, taking a quick glance at the mirror to fix her fringe before resting her chin on folded arms on top of the back of the chair. Haruna grinned at the unconscious vanity Haruka displayed, knowing that if she were to point it out, the younger girl would hotly deny it. Ah, to be young...

"Lately...Haru feels kinda weird." The boyish girl confessed, eyes trained on Haruna's lap for no particular reason. Her shoulders seemed to slump a little, her lips drawn into a thin line as she considered her next words. Haruna said nothing, simply waited for the younger girl to get to the point. As the oldest of 10th gen, and also as subleader, she felt a keen duty to watch over the rest, particularly her own gen-mates. Haruka might not come to her often, but it was a show of trust when she did, and Haruna was determined to not let her younger colleague down.

"Like...Haru doesn't really want to talk to someone." Haruka's face was drawn into a grimace. "I want to...but I don't at the same time. I feel really irritated and just want to walk away instead, but it'd be rude and I can't do that so..."

"Is it one of the members?" Haruna asked tactfully, already half-aware of who the younger girl might be referring to. There weren't that many of them, and Haruna was fairly observant herself. Haruka jerked a little, an instinctive lie on her lips, but her eyes flicked up and saw the expression on Haruna's face, and she scowled in response instead. Haruna smiled beatifically.

"Well, yeah." The admission was grudging, but Haruka knew there wasn't much point in lying to someone who already knew who she was talking about.

"Duu has been talking to Suzuki-san a lot recently." Haruna observed offhandedly, though she kept a careful eye on the younger's reactions. At the mention of Suzuki Kanon, their senpai from 9th gen, Haruka seemed to relax a little, an easy smile lightening the cloud hanging over her face.

"It's easy talking to Suzuki-san. She's funny and there's no stress around her at all." Haruka sat up a bit straighter, one shoulder raised in a half-shrug. "Haru can talk freely and be myself."

"So much so that our senpai is going all _doki-doki_ over you, ikemen-san~" Haruna teased. A light blush coloured the girl's face, but it was washed away by the somewhat triumphant smirk that followed instantly.

"Haru's gotta show her best side at all times!"

"Well let's see, we have Takagi-chan, Suzuki-san, some of the Kenshuusei and who knows how many others...Duu sure is popular." Haruna ticked off the candidates who were known to fawn over their resident ikemen on her fingers. She then lowered her hand, looking seriously at the her gen-mate.

"But there's someone you can't talk to."

It was like drawing an instant fog over sunny skies. Haruka scowled, lips curling into a retort.

"It's not like I can't talk to her. I just...don't want to."

"But you said you wanted to just now." Haruna reminded her. The tomboy glared back.

"It's just...not the same, ok?" Haruka took a breath, as if about to say something, then let it out as a sigh instead. "We talk just fine. It's the same as always. Nothing's changed..."

"But...?" Haruna prompted, making a 'go on' gesture with one hand. Haruka sighed again.

"That's what's weird. Nothing's changed at all...but it's like...everything's different." Haruka's shoulders slumped, her gaze falling back down to somewhere near Haruna's knees instead. "We're just talking normally and everything's fine and then I'll just feel...irritated. Even though there's no reason to. It's stupid! I don't even know why! And I don't like it!"

The last few statements came out louder than intended, and it was probably for the best that there wasn't anyone else with them in the room right now. Haruka subsided a little after her outburst, muttering a quick 'sorry' and staring at a spot on her chair instead, her face set in a difficult expression.

Haruna put on her most patient face -- this was a difficult age for the younger girl, she knew -- and tried a different tack.

"Are you irritated with her then?

Haruka's head whipped up. "What? No!" The look of instant outrage faded into bafflement under Haruna's steady gaze. "I'm not...it's just...frustrating."

"What is?"

"Everything!" Haruka burst out, throwing up her hands in frustration. "There's just...nothing."

"Haruka-chan." Haruka blinked. Haruna rarely used her name, unless she was being serious.

"If you want me to help you, you're going to have to be honest with me. Now," Haruna looked squarely at the younger girl in the eye. "Do you dislike this person?"

Haruka frowned. "Of course not."

Haruna nodded to herself; she had expected no less. She had to proceed carefully though.

"Does talking to her make you nervous?"

"Not...really." Haruka rubbed at her chin thoughtfully. "It can be pretty fun sometimes, but..."

"But...?" Haruna prodded. Haruka's face contorted again.

"It's just...not enough."

The words came out a bit grudgingly, as if the boyish girl loathed to say them. Haruka had her nose scrunched up as she scowled, mostly at herself this time. "Haru's being weird, right?"

"Well, not really. Sometimes we just want to talk to a person more. It happens." Haruna explained cheerfully, the buzzing of her phone on her lap going ignored for the moment.

"You're not gonna get that?" Haruka nodded at the phone. The subleader smiled.

"It's ok, it's probably just a text from Aya-chan. She'll understand."

"That's nice. You two are close." There it was, that note of envy barely concealed. Haruna repressed a smile.

"You're close to Takagi-chan too aren't you? You guys flirt around all the time. It can make a girl jealous~" Haruna teased again in a singsong voice, making Haruka flush again.

"We're just playing around! But...I admit...it's nice to have that kind of attention."

"That's because Duu is a narcissist after all~"

"Harunan!!!"

"What, you know it's true." The older girl grinned at the younger, who simply pouted with burning cheeks.

"So maybe you want that kind of attention from Sayashi-san, right?"

The bomb was dropped with hardly any aplomb, but the effect was near-instantaneous. Haruka went pale, then red, shifting from shock to embarrassment before settling on a kind of conflicted dejection.

"S'not possible." It came out in a halfhearted mumble. "S'not what she wants..."

"Oh?" Despite the obvious waves of what looked suspiciously like despair rolling off her younger gen-mate, Haruna found that she was enjoying herself. Did that make her a bad person? She shook off the thought and focused on the situation. She had teenage angst to defuse at the moment.

"I'm not...well, I'm just her kouhai. That's all there is to it." The note of resignation was heavy in her tone. Haruna sighed internally.

"Sayashi-san does like you, you know."

"I'm not like Mizuki-chan though..." Haruka said absently, referring to the other subleader with offhanded casualness. Her familiarity with her former friend from the Eggs was usually ruthlessly crushed under the need for formality at work, but in moments like this the endearment still slipped out unconsciously. Privately, Haruna thought it was cute that Duu was trying so hard to be a grown-up, when it would have been so much easier for her to be a child. Maybe not quite as child-like as Maachan perhaps, but it would probably make the girl happier...or at least less stressed. Then again, the struggle to be taken seriously as an adult was part of what made Duu endearing after all! Haruna nodded to herself.

"You want Sayashi-san to be affectionate with you like she does with Fukumura-san?" Sometimes directness has its own charm. Haruna watched with amusement as Haruka twitched, the muscle in her cheek jumping as her jaw clenched.

"No! It's just..." Mumble mumble. Haruna raised an eyebrow.

"What did you say?"

Mumble. "I....just want her to like me...for who I am."

_Ahh, so **that's** the problem._ "Duu is fine as you are already, I think."

"But I'm...!" Haruka started, then bit down on her lip as she cast her gaze down at her own hands. Haruna smiled gently at her younger colleague.

"I know you're trying very hard to establish your character, Duu. I like the cool ikemen you too. Everyone does..." Here Haruna paused to gauge Haruka's reaction. "But you think Sayashi-san doesn't, right?"

"She keeps trying to point out my girly side." Haruka grumbled, wringing her hands slightly. "I hate that."

"Is it so bad to be a girl?" _You wouldn't be in Morning Musume if you weren't one_ , she did not add. Haruka sighed.

"It's just...I don't know! I like being the boy, the ikemen. It's fun. Girls like me that way, and it's really neat to be admired. Plus I like being cool. Boys have more fun..." Haruka grumbled, shrugging eloquently.

This wasn't something Haruna could identify with personally, but her manga experience gave her some context for understanding the dilemma. Duu was...confused. Conflicted. It was partially because of teenage hormones, she was sure. Part and parcel of growing up. It was a constant struggle in the search for one's own identity, and even at the ripe old age of 19, Haruna wasn't completely sure of herself yet either. It was probably something that just happened gradually.

"Do you really have to be one or the other?" Haruna inquired. Haruka looked up, confused. The older girl smiled gently again.

"Duu wants to be cool like a boy, I get that. But you're also a girl, and it's not something you can change. And that's what's making it hard, right?"

Haruka nodded slowly. Haruna inclined her head and continued.

"I think...Duu is trying too hard. You're torn between what you want to be and what you think others want you to be. And then there's who you are underneath...I'm sure it gets really frustrating at times." Haruna took a deep breath.

"But you don't _have_ to choose. You're not just one thing, Duu. You're a lot of things. That makes you who you are. You're not just a cool boy, you also make a really pretty girl...and don't make that face at me, you know it's true. And I'm not telling you that you should be something you don't want to be. What I'm telling you is...you should just accept all sides of yourself. Find a balance in it. You can be cool and a girl and still be an ikemen and everything. Why settle for one thing when you can be so much more?"

Haruna finished in a rush, watching the younger girl knit her brows into a thoughtful frown as she considered everything that was said. Unable to resist the urge to tease her, Haruna then said.

"You can be the you that you like and still appeal to Sayashi-san, you know."

At this, Haruka turned another interesting shade of red. One could almost picture the steam boiling out of her ears.

"It's not like that!"

_Fufufu._ "Of course not. You just want her to like you, just like the way everyone else does."

"Yes that's...HA.RU.NAN. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE."

"I wonder?"

"Damn you!"

A door slammed open.

"Duuuuuuu! Harunaaaaaan! Are we playing tag? Are we? Are we?!"

"Sato-san, slow down!"

"Anumin, you play too! You too, Oda!"

"Maachan I'm telling you that's..."

"Ah, Aya-chan's calling, gotta go~"

"GET BACK HERE YOU!"

A bemused 9th gen watched as Harunan made a quick escape past them down the corridor, while an enraged Haruka was being held back by Ayumi and Masaki. Or rather, Maachan was latched onto Haruka like a remora, with Sakura trying futilely to tug her off. Ayumi was trying to juggle everybody with only two arms, and whether it was a success or a failure depends on who you were asking.

"Well, they're lively as always..."

"Yeah..."

It was just another day at the office for Morning Musume, such as it was.


End file.
